Growing up, I didn’t know what “anxiety” really was. I used the phrase “that makes me anxious” but I never really knew the weight of those words.
That is until after giving birth to my son. Along with a few traumatic events thrown into the mix of my hormones being all over the place.
I developed health anxiety that has only gotten worse in the last five years. Anytime I feel any slight off feeling in my body, I spiral. Some moments are worse than others. Some of it has taken learning more about myself and my body to recognize when certain sensations are caused from the stress and anxiety.
Sometimes, even if it’s a sensation I have felt before, it doesn’t matter to my mind. I am still convinced something is severely wrong with me. And that ultimately, whatever is wrong with me is going to rip me from this earth and from my child.
Finally, after actually going through thyroid cancer (read about my journey in my first three posts of this blog) – I realized I can’t keep doing this anxiety thing on my own. I was turning to God, but I wasn’t consistent with that and God was telling me I needed more support around me. I finally found a therapist that I have been working with for about one year now.
The hardest part of this anxiety for me is it is preventing me from being the mom I want to be. The mom I pictured myself being. I get so consumed by anxiety that when I start hearing “hey mom, hey mom, mom, mom” over and over again I get overstimulated and grouchy with my son. Or when my son is constantly not listening to me, I get madder than I should. Then comes the mom guilt. It’s an endless cycle.
If you’re reading this hoping to find answers to end a similar cycle you may be in – unfortunately, I don’t have them. The biggest advice I can give you is to keep working on yourself. Keep trying to find ways to face the demons head on. Don’t try to run from them. Your body remembers and feels all those demons even if you’re distracting your mind.
My biggest takeaways for facing the anxiety head on have been:
- Therapy – find a therapist that you vibe with. I did this by talking to someone at my church about my anxiety who then recommended the therapist she saw and swore by. Word of mouth is probably the best way to find people like this. I tried to do research on my own, but gave up.
- Once you have a therapists information – actually call them. Yes, I am making this point 2 because it’s one thing to find them and another to contact. Set up that appointment.
- Find your people. There is no need to keep your feelings to yourself. God created us to have relationships with other people, not be isolated. For me this meant joining a mom’s bible study at my church and also being paired with a mentor through my church. You can read more about this journey in the first three blog posts of mine!
- Spend time with God. Honestly, this should be number one. If you don’t know God – it’s never too late. Google how much ‘anxiety’ is mentioned in the bible. Christians aren’t exempt from feeling hardships. But God gives us His word.
- Self help books. I have read (and listened) to some great books on anxiety that are also Christian. They have helped me feel less alone, kept me grounded in faith and have given me ideas of things to try. My list of those books can be found in those blog posts I’ve previously mentioned.
If you’re a stay-at-home mom, I especially urge you to find those social circles. I don’t get to fully be a SAHM, but I do run my own in-home daycare and I have noticed how being isolated and with kids all day has effected my overall mental health. Moms in this situation, it can get physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting dealing with kids all day and not having any other adult interactions. There are WAY more chances for you to be stuck in your head and not be able to find a way out before thoughts completely spiral out of control.
On the flip side, as a mom who had to go to work the first two years of my son’s life – working moms don’t have it easy either. There’s the anxiety of not knowing how your kids are doing throughout the day. The anxiety of not being the one to be there if something does happen. And if you do get anxious in the middle of the work day, there’s two options for you – 1. panic right then and there or 2. shove it aside to deal with later only to get home to full on parent mode then as stated above: you’re body will remember that anxiety for you later, it never just goes away.
As a mom, it’s so easy to push my needs aside. It feels like most of the day, I don’t have a choice. Especially when my son was younger and depended on me for practically everything. But we cannot take care of others if we haven’t taken care of ourselves. And boy do I feel that every day. I feel that when I am impatient with my son and I know it’s because underlying I am full of anxiety, worry or fear, not because it was actually warranted.
One thing I am going to tell you because I know I would love to hear someone tell me these words: being an anxious mom doesn’t make you a bad mom. Our kids don’t need us to be perfect. They need to see honest and open. If we hide how we feel from them they are learning to do the same and the cycle continues from generation to generation.
Anxiety can cause me to mess up with my parenting, but I own my mistakes with my child, say sorry then continue to work on myself. That’s really all any of us can do. We aren’t meant to be perfect.
Give yourself the grace you deserve. Your kids love you for who you are. If you’re needing help with the grace department head over to my blog about “The Grace We Forget to Give Ourselves” and as always, I need to take my own advice too. My hope is that with all of these words written, it at least helps someone feel less alone in this life.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7 NIV
“Your Word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path” -Psalm 119:105 NIV
