Playlist:
- “Reckless Love” by Cory Ashbury
- “Get Behind Me” by Emerson Day
If you’re still with me on this journey, thank you. I am going to back track to before finding out about the cancer. I promise it will all tie back together in a nice bow.
The Fear Spiral:
Since having my son I have been dealing with severe health anxiety. This meaning that I am intone with my body and any weird feeling, sensation, pain, etc. I go into panic mode that something is very wrong with me.
Lets fast forward to where we left off from part one: recovery from surgery. Up until this point, I have been trying to handle this anxiety on my own. Of course, I would pray, I would ask God for help, I would do devotionals and read Christian books on anxiety. I would journal. I would talk to my mom and my husband. Occasionally my friends when I would see them, but they don’t live by me making it difficult. I would try to juggle this anxiety and my relationship with God on my own. I thought if I just kept my relationship with God strong and stayed in His word that would be enough.
What happens when I get out of those habits? No accountability. No one to lean on. Anxiety sucks me right back down to where I started.
Here I am in the midst of trying to recover from surgery and my thyroid levels plummet making me hypothyroid. Normal levels are 0.55-4.78 and mine was a whopping 38.72 (this number is high, but means levels are low). This comes with a slew of symptoms – and I can tell you right now, they are not fun. I wasn’t feeling good and to top it off, I found out the cancer cells had spread to multiple lymph nodes. That meant I would need radioactive iodine, which kills off any remaining thyroid tissue so the chance of cancer cells reforming is much lower.
Yes…that says radioactive. Meaning I would literally be radioactive (queue “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons).
I was told by several people (including a doctor…maybe two) that taking the radioactive iodine would mean going off my thyroid medication for a few weeks prior to taking the radioactive iodine. And on top of that, anytime you start thyroid medication or change dosage, it takes 6-8 weeks to fully be in your system.
What do you mean I have to go off this medication completely?
I was barely surviving as it was – and that was while on medication. I run an in-home daycare while also caring for my own child. How was I supposed to make it through this?
To say I was full of fear, worry and “what ifs” is putting it mildly.
The Prayer Request:
One Sunday while listening to my church online, my pastor was talking about prayer requests and it tied in with the message that day. Before the service ended, I submitted my prayer request for this unknown time I was in – for healing, for peace and for strength.
This is where God’s plan for me really started to come into focus.
A kind lady from church reached out and asked what they could do to help. My first response is “nothing – just pray.” And I truly meant that.
But not long after, I was listening to my Christian audiobook by Sadie Robertson, and she talked about meeting with her mentor at church. That stuck with me. I remember thinking how nice that would be to have someone to walk with you in your faith. Someone to talk to, to help guide you in your walk with God and keep you in a steady rhythm.
I had looked at joining a bible study on our church’s website several times, but I always backed out. I could come up with a million excuses. But I hadn’t even considered mentorship.
I decided to email that church lady back and say “I do think I would be interested in hearing more about possibly joining a women’s group or if there is a mentorship program. How those 2 would work or what they would look like.”
Another piece of the puzzle being fit into place.
A few weeks later, I met with her in person. She shared information for the mentorship program and a mom’s group she thought I would enjoy.
But she also gave me something I wasn’t expecting: a recommendation for a therapist she personally saw for anxiety.
That stopped me in my tracks – in the best way.
I had tried to find a therapist before the cancer diagnosis but it didn’t get me anywhere. I didn’t want someone who would push medicine on me. I also wanted someone who understood my faith.
The therapist she recommended wasn’t a Christian therapist, but still respected faith, understood it, and invited God into the space.
And that felt like exactly what I had been praying for – even before I had words for it.
These were the building blocks that I needed.
Because there comes a time where you simply can’t keep suffering alone. Even if you are turning to God. It doesn’t have to be suffering from anxiety. It could be another mental health illness, divorce, grief, a diagnosis, job loss, everything happening in this world bringing you down, family drama, etc. etc. etc. this list could go on and on.
When it came time to finally meet with my Endocrinologist, I found out I did all of that worrying for nothing.
Taking you off your thyroid medication is an old school way of doing the radioactive iodine.
I could have cried from the relief. In that moment, it felt like a weight was physically lifted off my shoulders.
But that’s the thing about worry, isn’t it?
We can spend so much time obsessing over “what ifs” that it consumes us. It eats us alive. It steals minutes, hours, days, weeks, years off our lives.
What if, we let go of that worry and gave it to someone else?
What if, we loosened our grip on our own lives, on the need for control and let God take over the drivers seat?
What if, when our mind starts spinning in panic, we took a step back, took a deep breath and lifted our hands in surrender?
This may sound crazy – and honestly I am still wrestling with this daily – but it is possible.
“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” – Matthew 19:26.
Friends, we can’t do this alone. We need God and we need community.
Keep reading in part 3 where I will dive more into the support I have found and the way God has moved in my life to get me through this time.